honestly

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Tonight I couldn’t tidy up OB’s room. I straightened his bedding and began to tidy his trains into their basket.  I stood up and looked back at his bed, neatly made with his handmade quilt on top and his adored stuffed animals lined in a row and I began to cry. 

I have 50/50 custody with his father which means that, for half the week, I can barely look into his room. I can’t look at his bed at night without thinking that he should be asleep in it, next to my room, next to me. This is certainly not a new feeling and I have grown accustom to the sensation similar to someone squeezing my heart. My chest tightens and I grimace. I never knew an emotion could have a physical manifestation until I had a child. Of course I had heard of it but I only experienced it as a mother.

On a good day, I am proud of myself for having left a situation that was making me unhappy. I remind myself that OB is thriving and is an amazing little person. On a bad day, I wonder if my decision to leave will have a lasting, negative effect on him. I wonder whether or not he thinks about me when I’m not with him and whether or not he wonders why Mumma isn’t there. What if I miss something? 

I struggle with many aspects of being separated from him and in moments of weakness, I crumble. 

Today I saw an Instagram user, whom I follow, that only days ago lost her baby as he was being born. The cord was wrapped around his precious little neck and he didn’t make it. I have no words to describe how sorry I am for the family and for the mother who was so prepared to nurture and love her little boy but won’t have the chance. I will see my little man on Saturday morning but she will have to farewell hers forever. Perspective is a powerful thing.

I feel like a ‘part time’ parent, something that I never thought I would have to feel, but I am lucky enough to be a parent at all. 

I am going to finish tidying up OB’s room tonight, even if it’s through foggy, tear splattered glasses, because that’s what Mums do.

Peace and precious, precious little ones.

E. x

 

 

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Bits and Pieces

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How we look when on an historic steam train ride, yo!

I have been a busy bee recently and I am loving it! I have been trying lots of new recipes, hunting through secondhand shops and being an awesome homebody. The last one is something I’m working on and I have to say that I think I’m making progress.

A big part of my focus this week has, again, been on simplifying and appreciating the little things. I managed to visit a dear friend of mine from primary school that I haven’t seen face to face in years. I also had the pleasure of meeting her girlfriend for the first time. OB and I had the most relaxing and fun afternoon with the girls, playing in the local park, taking a stroll and making lunch together. These simple activities, when done with people who mean a lot to you, all of a sudden become something special and note (blog) worthy.

Seb made an exciting purchase at an auction way out west over the weekend. He bought two beautiful, old wagons that are going to be pulled along by his steam roller (of course!). They are big, made of wood and steel and Seb believes them to be an integral part of his ‘Steam Empire’ that, apparently, he is building. Ha! What a weirdo. 🙂 His quirks are what I especially love.

OB just loves all of Seb’s train and steam related ‘toys’. They bond over it and it’s very cute. I have purchase an annual pass to the local steam train ride/museum located in Seb’s hometown. Now, whenever OB wants to go on a quick steam engine ride or peruse the many aisles of historic railway carriages and locomotives, we can! It wasn’t particularly expensive and I know that we will definitely made good use of it. They also have beautiful picnic spots and a glorious park. I envisage many mornings spent walking up to the museum with a packed morning tea of homemade treats, brushing up on our railway history, eating our spoils and playing in the park before strolling home again. Sounds tough, doesn’t it?

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Getting informed and fired up, People!

In unrelated news, I have given up on the fiction book I was reading in favour of Eating Animals by Jonathan Safran Foer. Far more my style of writing and definitely my kind of subject. I’m only 30 odd pages in and I’m hooked. That’s where I’m going as soon as I finish typing here. I’m a little embarrassed that I haven’t already read it but better late than never, I guess?!

The op shops have served me well recently and OB’s winter wardrobe is shaping up nicely. I unfortunately missed out on a gorgeous hand knitted, maroon jumper with a train pattern across the front due to a lack of small change. However, in the same trip I did find him some ‘never worn’ winter slippers with proper soles for $1 and I scored a beautiful vintage striped dress for $8. It will be perfect for layering when the cooler weather finally graces up with its presence. My goal is to only buy secondhand for the winter season for OB. I definitely think it’s achievable. I’m keeping a running tally of how much I have spent so I can report back here and hopefully inspire some readers to consider buying more secondhand and therefor reduce the demand on mass produced items and encourage the support of charity clothing stores. Stay tuned for an update on that!

As an extension of that, I have decided to try my hand at making OB’s winter pyjamas. I’m keeping my eye out for cheap and cute flannelette material. I have a few projects for my own wardrobe but I’m going to start with our winter pyjamas to brush up on my skills.

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New vintage find and really good coffee!

Recent adventures have included another coffee trip to the viaduct in Picton with my love as well as quite a few different and local parks with OB. We have had A LOT of rain here recently which kept us holed up inside for many a day. We popped open the craft box and got our glue on! Baking and cooking has also kept me occupied and OB has been getting involved wherever he can. Pouring is apparently his ‘thing’, so he has told me.

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The best bit. As if you don’t do this, too.

I have a couple of projects that I’m keen to try and I will keep you in the loop with their progress. One involves large pieces of wood and the other pom poms. As you can tell, I like LOTS of different mediums when it comes to creating and I think it’s what keeps me interested.

I’d love to know what you’re planning for the cooler months. Sewing, soups, adventures, goals?

Peace.

E.x

This is how we roll.

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I wanted to share how OB and I spend our time when we’re having a ‘home day’, like today. 

Cooking – This is a no brainer around here and a must on a home day. We regularly go for a pancake or cookie recipe as they offer the best ‘helping’ options for OB. Today, we made apple and cinnamon muffins, though, and they were delicious. 

OB is starting to recognise the packets for the bicarb soda and the baking powder and calls the vanilla essence the ‘secret ingredient’. It’s pretty cute. He also gets to practice cup and half cup measures and his pouring technique. 🙂

Puzzles – These have been hugely popular around these parts of late. The picture above is of an Around The World puzzle that makes a full circle of people from all around the globe holding hands. I liked the sentiment behind that and it is beautifully illustrated, too. We have many puzzles from the op shop as well that are a little more challenging and are best tackled when a certain little one is fresh and energetic. Tired and puzzles is not an awesome combination. 😉

Reading – Oli has a huge collection of books and would sit for hours in the one spot if I had the time or patience to read that many stories each day. Stay at home days are really great for snuggling on the couch with a stack of books. OB gets to pick two stories at night before bed and he always picks the really long ones. I’m mostly OK with this. Seb and I put a long picture rail underneath OB’s window to create a little library, if you will, so the books would always be accessible. I rotate these ones as the rail doesn’t come close to holding them all. We are currently working on creating a house-library in the new study area with a  big book case and snuggly reading chair. OB (and I ) are very excited about this little home improvement. 

Outdoor play – dirt. trampoline. chase dog. repeat. 🙂

Craft – OB loves to paint and use textas, on anything. He is very creative and we often end up in a sea of pipe cleaners, paper plates, glue, glitter and paint. Yes, it’s messy, but it’s just mess. OB and I have had so many great belly laughs over creations and ideas at the craft table. We will always be a little bit crafty in this home. 

These are the more ‘stuctured’ activities and in between these we sing, dance, tickle, throw tantrums, wrestle, play trains, raise our voices and always love each other at the end of the day, no matter how high he frustration levels have reached earlier on. Sometimes, if it’s really hot or he is tired, all OB wants to do is watch a Thomas DVD and that’s OK, occasionally. Its all about moving on. I have a lot of fun with OB and 85% of the time he is just damn good company and an excuse to get paint on my eyebrows. 

Peace.

E.x