So very thankful

 

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I recently had to have my gallbladder removed. It was a little dramatic to start with but I was fortunate enough to only be in hospital for four days in total. Seb was able to take the whole week off after my surgery to help nurse me back to good health and I am ever so grateful for his patience, helpfulness, reliability and silliness, all without which, I would have been lost. He barely left my bedside and held my hand for every needle, cannula, blood test and felt for me through every pain attack and dizzy spell.

My amazing best friend visited me in hospital numerous times, always bringing something to cheer me up. My parents came every day, even though my Dad seriously dislikes hospitals. Because of all of this support I never once felt alone or afraid.

So, as I start to regain my independence and resume some of my normal activities I am overcome with a sense of thankfulness and deep, deep gratitude for the people I have in my life. I am beyond blessed with my bunch and I cannot thank them enough for always, always having my back.

Prior to my surgery I very often felt a little off and not quite right. Sometimes I would suffer from attacks of severe pain that would render me useless for varying amounts of time. The pain was intense, tiring and overwhelming. Looking past my recovery and I cannot wait to feel great, really great again and make the most of my good health. This includes getting as healthy as I can and really treating my body with the best foods, the most exercise and the rest it deserves. My doctor and I nutted out a general plan today and I am so enthused and eager to see how healthy I can feel and how well I can treat this body of mine. After all, it did manage to grow that gorgeous little man of mine so I think it’s the least I can do!

So as I rest my head tonight I am humbled by my blessed situation, thankful for my health and looking forward to tomorrow.

Peace and useless organs.

E. x

honestly

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Tonight I couldn’t tidy up OB’s room. I straightened his bedding and began to tidy his trains into their basket.  I stood up and looked back at his bed, neatly made with his handmade quilt on top and his adored stuffed animals lined in a row and I began to cry. 

I have 50/50 custody with his father which means that, for half the week, I can barely look into his room. I can’t look at his bed at night without thinking that he should be asleep in it, next to my room, next to me. This is certainly not a new feeling and I have grown accustom to the sensation similar to someone squeezing my heart. My chest tightens and I grimace. I never knew an emotion could have a physical manifestation until I had a child. Of course I had heard of it but I only experienced it as a mother.

On a good day, I am proud of myself for having left a situation that was making me unhappy. I remind myself that OB is thriving and is an amazing little person. On a bad day, I wonder if my decision to leave will have a lasting, negative effect on him. I wonder whether or not he thinks about me when I’m not with him and whether or not he wonders why Mumma isn’t there. What if I miss something? 

I struggle with many aspects of being separated from him and in moments of weakness, I crumble. 

Today I saw an Instagram user, whom I follow, that only days ago lost her baby as he was being born. The cord was wrapped around his precious little neck and he didn’t make it. I have no words to describe how sorry I am for the family and for the mother who was so prepared to nurture and love her little boy but won’t have the chance. I will see my little man on Saturday morning but she will have to farewell hers forever. Perspective is a powerful thing.

I feel like a ‘part time’ parent, something that I never thought I would have to feel, but I am lucky enough to be a parent at all. 

I am going to finish tidying up OB’s room tonight, even if it’s through foggy, tear splattered glasses, because that’s what Mums do.

Peace and precious, precious little ones.

E. x

 

 

compare // not to compare

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Are you ever guilty of comparing yourself to those around you? I look for the enviable one’s age, that way I can directly relate it to what I have/haven’t achieved and make a fair and reasonable comparison. What a crock of shit.

Her bum is nicer than mine. She has three beautiful kids and she’s my age. She can afford silly looking shoes. She has two degrees. She has slightly longer hair than I do. She has a completely different and incomparable lifestyle but I’ll find a way to compare it to mine anyway. You get the point.

Thankfully I don’t do this too often but I needed a little reality check this evening when I got stuck in a ‘google search spiral’. It started off with Adele’s Grammy outfit and somehow I ended up wondering how come I wasn’t married to a cricket player. Go figure.

After tearing myself away from the destructive images I had a little look through my phone  to see the pictures of OB, the most gorgeous boy I could ever imagine being my son. I don’t know why that comparison rears it’s ugly head, especially when I have so much to be grateful for and in my own world, have achieved quite a lot.

I think sometimes I belittle my role as mother and play down just how much time and emotional energy it takes to be a good parent. I haven’t finished uni yet or travelled the world and for so long they were my goals, my only to-do’s, that I think I have trained myself to put them as the ‘should have’ items for someone my age. Instead, I just turned 26 and my beautiful boy is about to turn four, I live in a gorgeous little house with the man I love and who loves me and I am studying for my dream job as a teacher. Things are good, really good and I’m the fool if I think that being skinnier or having more money would make me happier because this is my journey and it’s a bloody good one so far.

Of course I aspire to be a better and healthier version of me, because, sometimes, that’s what I need to do, but I should never aspire to be someone else. I will never settle for anything but the best version of me. This is my focus for the next little while. Join me, won’t you? 

Peace and appreciation.

E.x

the land I love

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Seb and I have been talking more seriously about the type of property we want to buy as our first home. We have been talking about it for a number of months now but the more discussion we have, the more photos we excitedly send one another, it’s becoming more and more clear to us that what is really important for us is the land first, then the house. Originally it was Seb who was really keen on all things ‘land-like’ and my focus was always on the house. This has shifted a little for me recently as I have come to realise just how important a large area for my family really is.

I have had the pleasure of visiting some truly spectacular properties of late and it hardly even registers to me what the house is like as my focus and attention is on the block that it sits on. I want to walk around, see what their veggie patches are like, ask what kind of trees do they have and so on and so forth.

I was reflecting on this whilst on the long drive from Seb’s place to mine this afternoon and it struck my just how important time and little dose of ‘woosah’ can be for big decisions. Lately I have been appreciating the value in considered decision making and I really think that now I respect the fact that good things take time and effort. This was something I struggled to get my head around when I was a bit younger.

It is an exciting time for Seb and I and our little family right now as we search through real estate catalogues and online search engines waiting for the prefect place to pop up.  There have been a couple of stand out properties of late that have really had us swooning. We are such geeks sometimes and we sit with our phones on loud speaker so we can look at the same property profile and discuss pros and cons over the phone.

We have very similar taste when it comes to the house side of things, which makes it easier. Some priorities for the house include fire place, large-ish kitchen, lots of natural light and character. Now, the last quality is subjective for sure and I have been known for striking a home off the list for being too modern and lacking in, what I consider to be character. Give me an original sixties kitchen with wood floors over any fancy new cupboards and tiles any day. Oh and the old bathrooms that are often mentioned with expressions such as ‘easy fix’ or ‘perfect rental’, I LOVE them! Old bathrooms with the aqua basins or the purple tiles around the bathtub just make me squeal in delight.

When I see particular properties with large backyards all I see is the potential. I envisage a big, walk through style vegetable patch and a swing set on one side and a big shed for Seb’s steam toys on the other. I love to be outside in the yard as much as possible and can’t wait to be able to really make a place our own and spend time outside as a family, in one house. What a relief that will be.

I feel confident that we have figured out what our priorities are for our family and for the lifestyle that we want to create for ourselves. That direction is clear to us both and bloody hell, it’s a great feeling, to have such a strong vision and to share that with your favourite person in the whole world. I’m a lucky gal, that’s for sure.

I am so grateful for this exciting journey in my life right now and who knows, it may take another twelve months before we find ‘the one’ and are ready to commit to a mortgage, but gosh darn it’s fun to be on the look out!

Peace and realestate.com.au 😉

E. xx

making memories

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Another weekend has come and gone. They really are flying by at the moment due to a bunch of cool things happening which, i guess, is pretty awesome. I try really hard not to wish away the week in order to get to the weekend faster. I’m guilty of doing this a little as it’s the weekends that I have with both my boys.

My focus recently has been on doing simple thing with purpose. Choosing a great place to picnic, for example, or deciding on a new route to walk the dogs. The task really isn’t the focus in this activity, it’s about doing it with purpose, being in the moment and making memories out of beautifully simple times. There are two driving factors in this new focus. The first is Oliver and just how receptive he is to new and stimulating activities. In two days he will be exactly three and a half years old. (wow! Also, how did that happen?!) He is so smart and observant that I need to be really careful about the way I phrase something and I have to make sure that everything has a context so it can be fully understood by him, the way it is intended. He has a wild imagination as well and can often put two and two together and get five, if that makes sense. But I digress. I want him to be engaged in meaningful and delightful activities that stimulate that little mind even more and build his confidence to try new things without worry about failure. This is something that has come up recently, a reluctance to try something a little ‘risky’ in case it doesn’t work. I’m trying to overcome these fears by engaging him in a wide variety of activities, from swimming to baking, to helping with planting and cleaning. It can’t hurt, right?

As well as simply wanting to create nice memories for him, I want him to see value in simple things, and to understand that simple and cheap, if not free, can be just as entertaining and fun as expensive, new toys or take away food. On a very basic level, I want his ‘normal’ to be home baked cookies and cakes and pasta sauce made from scratch. I want him to see the connection between the vegetables and herbs we grow and the food that is on his plate. I don’t want it to be a novelty to see me in the kitchen sporting a polka dot apron, covered in flour and grated carrot. Oli commented on how I “spend soooooo much time in the kitchen.” He said this with a cheeky grin as I handed him a warm chocolate chip cookie. That’s where I draw these simple pleasures from, knowing that these moments are helping to create a healthy world view, and plate for Oliver.

The second reason for the ‘simple things with purpose’ motto is my relationship thrives on it. I am so proud to have just celebrated my first anniversary with Seb. I have never been happier and our relationship gets stronger with every passing day. These simple little activities that we share together or with Oli keep us involved in each other and help to find new things that we can both enjoy. This Saturday just gone was a wet and miserable day outside, but not in our little place! Oli and I made paper plate masks while Seb played his guitar along to the radio. We played marble races and made a chocolate cake. It was perfect. Perfect.

Here is a simple little challenge- Set the table before the meal. Nothing fancy, but a couple of place mats and a shared bottle of water (or wine!) in the middle can make a huge difference to the sense of occasion given to a meal. It’s simple and so worth the tiny extra bit of effort.

 

Peace.

E.x