Tonight I couldn’t tidy up OB’s room. I straightened his bedding and began to tidy his trains into their basket.  I stood up and looked back at his bed, neatly made with his handmade quilt on top and his adored stuffed animals lined in a row and I began to cry. 

I have 50/50 custody with his father which means that, for half the week, I can barely look into his room. I can’t look at his bed at night without thinking that he should be asleep in it, next to my room, next to me. This is certainly not a new feeling and I have grown accustom to the sensation similar to someone squeezing my heart. My chest tightens and I grimace. I never knew an emotion could have a physical manifestation until I had a child. Of course I had heard of it but I only experienced it as a mother.

On a good day, I am proud of myself for having left a situation that was making me unhappy. I remind myself that OB is thriving and is an amazing little person. On a bad day, I wonder if my decision to leave will have a lasting, negative effect on him. I wonder whether or not he thinks about me when I’m not with him and whether or not he wonders why Mumma isn’t there. What if I miss something? 

I struggle with many aspects of being separated from him and in moments of weakness, I crumble. 

Today I saw an Instagram user, whom I follow, that only days ago lost her baby as he was being born. The cord was wrapped around his precious little neck and he didn’t make it. I have no words to describe how sorry I am for the family and for the mother who was so prepared to nurture and love her little boy but won’t have the chance. I will see my little man on Saturday morning but she will have to farewell hers forever. Perspective is a powerful thing.

I feel like a ‘part time’ parent, something that I never thought I would have to feel, but I am lucky enough to be a parent at all. 

I am going to finish tidying up OB’s room tonight, even if it’s through foggy, tear splattered glasses, because that’s what Mums do.

Peace and precious, precious little ones.

E. x




3 thoughts on “honestly

  1. You have such a beautiful heart. OB seems like he is a beautiful young man, grounded, appreciative and loving and I am sure that is because of your influence. You are such a wonderful Mum and it is the quality of parenting not quantity that matters most. You are there for him even when he is at his Dad’s place. My babies are 14 and 11, yet I still find myself having a cry over many things, like when my children express compassion for people who have hardships or when I find a hand drawn picture in my Son’s room with ‘I love my family’ written on it or if they have had a difficult day or when they have had a positive day. My point is, a Mother never stops crying over her children and I feel for you when you describe how you feel like your heart is being crushed when he is not with you. That feeling is LOVE I think.

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